To put the problem bluntly: I hate my daughter's new friend.
I think there are 2 attractions to the friendship. First, the girl is popular at school, so naturally being buddies with her has fringe benefits. (Who didn't see the movie "Can't Buy Me Love" with Patrick Dempsey, right?)
The second attraction is that Karina - let's call her Karina- is an only child. Translate that to mean she gets everything she wants. Literally. How many 16 year olds do you know that would get a brand new car and a personal home theater room for her birthday?
I can see why it would be fun to go over to her house. One sad puppy-eyed look in her mom's direction, and Karina has permission to go anywhere she wants, with anyone she wants. She never has to share the with anyone, plays the stereo at the loudest volume of her choosing, and never washes - or even clears- a dish from the table.
In Adultspeak, we would call Karina a spoiled brat.
In Teenspeak, chillaxin at Karina's is heaven.
Honestly, my daughter is a great kid. I'm completely bowled over by her sudden attraction to spending time with Karina.
I think that if I just let it go, she would more or less terminate the friendship on her own at some point. However. I really can't just let it go. The influences on my daughter are undeniable every time she comes home from spending time with Karina.
I've tried to entice them to spend time here, but even with promised snacks and unlimited Guitar Hero, I can't compete with a mom who allows questionable language, unlimited (unsupervised) trips to the lake house, and will buy any Blu-Ray at the drop of a hat.
Cutting her off completely would backfire, talking and reasoning with her is out of the question- she just doesn't see the problems, and keeping the status quo is unacceptable.
Where do I go from here?
You say she is different after spending time with Karina?
ReplyDeleteSet punishments for her unacceptable different behavior. That way, she is not getting in trouble for spending time with Karina, bet getting in trouble as a result of spending time with Karina. Make sense?
If she's a smart girl, she'll make the connection and quit hanging out with Karina.
Ah. I was in a similar situation. However, I was your daughter in this situation. There was a new family that moved into the ward, and I just thought they were the coolest thing since...oh ever. I spent so much time at their house. Because, like "Karina", their parents were way lenient, and there always seemed to be tons of exciting things going on there. I ended up distancing myself from my real friends, and my family, started lying about what I was doing, etc. etc. To make a long story short, it took me getting into a car accident to make me realize that these kids were not a good influence. With teenagers, no matter what their parent does or says, they will more than likely do what they want. And if you tell your daughter that you don't want her to spend time with Karina...I can almost guarentee she will spend even more time with her. Just make slight suggestions like "why don't you call up sally, you haven't seen her in forever!" and things like that. If it starts to get really bad though, and your daughter starts acting in negative ways...I'd say thats when you should sit down and lay down some rules. Trust me, friends like Karina quickly fade away. Anyways, there's my two cents :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, each relationship goes through several pretty distinct phases. The first one is a period of infatuation, where you can't get enough of the new friend and it seems that they are perfect and they can't do any wrong. Classic "Grass is always greener."
ReplyDeleteThe next phase is where faults start to appear, and you realize that the parts of this person's personality you have seen so far don't reflect the entirety of their soul.
A true friendship is one that lasts through this second phase, and you move on to love them despite their faults (and even because of them).
So to relate to your problem your daughter will probably move to the second phase fairly soon. I predict this relationship won't survive that phase. However, if you criticize Karina, or try to point out her faults, my experience says that this first phase may be artificially prolonged as your daughter's teenage pride will want to deny she made a mistake in friend choosing.
My recommended course of action is to help your daughter find Karina's faults on her own. Ask questions that prompt her to think and analyze. An old adage says "Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still." Let your daughter learn that Karina is a bad influence, and it will be a valuable life lesson.
I agree with the other comments. The more you try to push her away from her friend, the more trouble you'll have.
ReplyDeleteIt's just a matter of time before it wears itself out.